Nurture Shock Book Review

Nurture Shock is a 2009 book by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman based on scientific research about child development. The book is not really based on their opinions, it is a literature review of the most current neuroscientific and behavioural science from the last 15-20 years, put across in layman's terms.

I got it from the library because other mums at the park were raving about it so I read it. It has not re-invented the wheel in some areas (praise, discipline) but it has raised two very good points about our school systems: 1. Teens need a later start and 2. Young kids need to be involved in creative play more & not be inundated by traditional academics. Anyway, one of the mums who didn't want to read it asked me to do a quick review of the major points, so here they are:

1. Praise effort. Do not dish out unwarranted and false praise as it diminishes motivation.

2. Critical to get them to bed on time. Adolescents especially need more sleep. Sleep deprived kids are more likely to have low IQs, emotional problems, ADHD and obesity.

3. Talk to kids about race and culture. Ignoring the topic of race does not help a child form relationships with kids of different races. In fact it makes things worse. Putting a child in a diverse environment also doesn't help them interact, unless you talk with them about it.

4. By age 4, 80% of kids lie. Threats and punishments encourage them to be much better liars. Read books and tell stories about the benefits of honesty, like George Washington's Cherry Tree and not stories like The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Teach that lying is wrong but also reward honesty.

5. For every 100 "gifted" children identified in kindergarten, only 27% of them truly deserve that ranking by 3rd grade. Kids brains are still developing until 3rd or 4th grade. Those early tests mean nothing and are neglectful of many truly gifted kids.

6. Siblings fight because they do not want to share their toys/things, not because they are not getting full attention from parents. Kids with good friendships outside of the house treat their siblings better.

7. Teens lie to stay out of trouble and not disappoint parents. Parents who relent make things much worse. Consistent rules show a teen that they are loved and they go on to have good relations with the parent.

8. Teens do drugs & alcohol out of boredom.

9. Parents think arguing with their kids is destructive. Teens think it is productive. Parents "stonewalling" and/or giving-in does not work.

10. 96% of kids tv shows have verbal insults and put-downs, particularly the "educational" shows where conflict (bullying, not sharing, excluding a friend) makes up most of the program, with a very brief resolution at the end that kids do not get. Make-believe, fantasy, and superhero programs have significantly better effects on kids. Those shows will encourage imaginative play afterwards. Surprisingly, Power Rangers is better for kids than Arthur!

11. The relationship between mum & dad has a profound effect on the well-being of a child. If you argue in front of a child (which if moderate is ok) you MUST resolve the issue and make-up in front of them too. Do not move it to another room.

12. Spanking a child as a form of consistent, fair and loving discipline actually reduces aggressive behaviour in a child. Spanking inconsistently, spontaneously and angrily increases aggression. Black families tend to do the former, white families the latter.

13. "Zero Tolerance" policies in schools do not work. Stress levels in students are getting worse not better. Today's middle schooler has over 229 peer interactions a day. Couple this with sports schedules and play-dates and they are inundated with the constant stress of peer rejection, ranking and one-upmanship. It's no wonder they don't play nice!

14. Most bullies are not the "bad" kids, but are actually the most popular and well-liked by students and teachers alike. Bullies are in fact more sensitive, can be subtle, and know exactly which buttons to push and how to balance kindness and aggression to get their own way.

15. There is a strong connection between being popular and alcohol abuse.

16. Girls are as likely to bully as boys, but they are far better at relationship bullying (exclusion from the group etc.)

17. Baby DVDs (like Disney's Einstein range) actually hinder a child's speech & development. They get more from watching American Idol, because it is real people moving a real mouth. The other DVDs apparantley just sound like gibberish noise. Since all of this has come out, Disney have offered refunds on those DVDs (surprising to me!).

18. From birth: do more listening, responding and touching than forcing thousands of words, numbers, colours and unnecessary noise down their ears. Example, if a baby is holding up a spoon say "spoon" not "Are you hungry? Do you want food? Food?" This is called criss-cross labeling. Also, response through touch significantly increases a baby's babbling and desire to interact with. Interestingly, toddlers learn far more words if they learn from a wide variety of voices than 1 person teaching them the same words.

So anyway, I'm going to try and make some changes in what I do. I'll definitely be more careful with praise and limiting what they watch on TV. And I'm going to talk about race, drugs, bullying and anything else that might be uncomfortable for me but obviously important for them to know.

Mother's Day 2011

It was Mothers Day in America today and I had a fab one! I got a lie-in, breakfast in bed and cards and presents. Lovely!

Here are my three children:

Our Cody. He could be 10 or 11 but still acts like a puppy when he chases squirrels

Jack at 4 and a half years, who helped cook my breakfast and just wanted to be with me all day.

My gorgeous and affectionate boy, Daniel.

Happy Mothers Day!

My Favourite Story of the Week

The People You Meet

Craig works with a lovely man that is very unassuming and quiet. The kind of man that might slip by you if you didn't take the time to talk with him.

Some time ago while they were working together he told Craig that during the 1969 moon landing it was his job to get the broadcast of the landing from outside Neil Armstrong's house in Wapakoneta, Ohio to Columbus Ohio for a live feed. Well something went wrong for a little while and the telly commentator said "We can get a broadcast from the moon but not from Wapakoneta Ohio!" That was his first claim to fame.

Today he told Craig that he had a cousin, Thomas Mulhearn, that lived in New York and had been a policeman in the NYPD years ago. He had been stationed in the South Bronx area, known as "Fort Apache" by the cops, because of it's violent nature. His cousin wrote about his experiences and it got made into a film called "Fort Apache The Bronx" with Paul Newman playing PC Murphy (the Movie people thought that Mulhearn was too complicated so they renamed the main character Murphy instead). Tom is now a barman at an Irish bar in NYC. What an interesting man and one I'd love to meet and have a beer with one day if I'm lucky.

Aren't some people just great. We should concentrate on them and not the plebs and politicians that get so much air time.

Happy Golden Dot & Harry!

On Friday May 6th Craig's mum and dad (Dorothy & Harry) will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The golden anniversary. Here they are on their wedding day. Craig tells me that his dad has two band-aids on his face because he'd previously fallen off his bike!

They are an absolutely wonderful couple. Very affectionate with each other and madly in love with each of their kids (3), grand kids (6) and great-grand kids (1, and 2 more on the way). We will miss them this year and wish we could celebrate this happy time with them.

So Happy Golden Wedding Anniversary Dot & Harry! We miss you, love you, and hope that you have a smashing time this weekend!

The Royal Wedding

The wedding yesterday was glorious wasn't it? I celebrated all day long with two parties and a lot of TV watching. My friend from Ireland (who couldn't give a flying F for the Royal family, was absolutely gracious and my friend enough that he brought the cake, pictured left). I still haven't got bored of it and watched some You Tube videos even today. Wasn't it wonderful to spend the day celebrating two people that genuinely loved each other and also to watch all of the pomp & circumstance. Marvelous! And such a great distraction from all the heartache and trouble and depression of real life.

When the telly cameras did that high view of the Abbey showing the four aisles, it gave me goosebumps. I also choked-up a few times. The first time when William and Harry first got to the Abbey and I was sad that Diana couldn't see how handsome and wonderful her boys were, and then during the vows, and then when they sang Jerusalem. Although every time I hear Jerusalem I get homesick since its such a patriotic song for England. I was with some wonderful ex-pat British women throughout the wedding and we were all feeling the same pride and homesickness. It was great to be with my fellow countrymen and we all wore hats!

On the funny side, the spoof Queen's Twitter Account is funny and it was refreshing watching/listening to the American coverage of the wedding. On CBS the anchor announced Mohamed Al Fayed's arrival at the Abbey and I have been confused for a couple of days about why he would be there since he's accused the Royals of killing Dodi and Diana. Turns out it was in fact the King of Tonga! Ha ha ha.

So I am loud and proud about this wedding. I love that these young people love each other. I am in awe of the splendor of the Abbey, the history entwined in the ceremony, the London sights and all the details of the occasion, and I am very proud to be British. And there's more to come! In 2012 Queen Elizabeth will celebrate 60 years on the throne and it's the London Olympics.

Happy St. Georges Day 2011!

We went to the Easter egg hunt this morning and Danny HATED it! As you can see. Maybe next year he'll embrace it. I did finally work out later this afternoon that the reason he was cranky all day was that he was teething. That was when he was sat on Craig's knee, chewing his t-shirt like a maniac, with it all wet down the front, and Craig pointed to the t-shirt and said "teething". How could I have missed that? So I felt guilty and gave him 3 icey-pops.

Jack got lots of eggs, Danny got 3 and tried to throw them back into the woods (hated it).

My mum sent some money for Easter presents so we went out and bought some fun toys, including snakes and ladders. Tonight we played it and it was great to spend time like that.

I tried to take a picture of the boys wearing their England t-shirt in honour of St. George's Day as they were playing. Happy St. George's Day (and Happy Birthday Tom & Gemma! X) !!

This is my favourite picture of Jack today ...

I had an hour on my own today too, so went to the new Menards in town. It's a DIY & garden center place (like B&Q or Lowes) but has everything - even food, clothes, kids toys and pet stuff. If it is possible, I am in love with a shop. Where else can you buy lumber and scented candles? It's not Harvey Nichols, darling, more like a DIY shop with a feminine touch!

So tomorrow? Hopefully we'll get outside! But it has not stopped raining & storming for a week and it's forecast for the next week. Last Wednesday night we ran to the basement with the kids at 3am when the tornado sirens went off and last night St. Louis airport was obliterated. Next weekend might get better?

The Belated Retort

I have calmed down sufficiently now to tell you about a woman who told me off last weekend at the local library. Until yesterday I still got huffy about it and wanted to try and track her down and give her my witty retort. You know, the one that takes you about a week to think of.

So what was my crime? Me & Danny were in the kiddie area and there was one other mum and toddler in there. She was playing with a huge box of foam alphabet letters and they were scattered all over the floor. Danny was chewing reading board books and Jack was in the adjacent room looking at DVDs. I was sat at a table writing out letters and cards to send to England, so I wasn't exactly stood over my kids but I had them in my peripheral, spidey-mum vision.

Then I heard "DO NOT DO THAT!" and I looked up to see Danny stood on a foam letter and the other mum stood near him. She then said "It is NOT okay to stand on these toys!"

I got up and scooped him up and told him quietly not to stand on them and then of course I had hover over him while he tried in vain to stand on them, jump on them and chew them. He is two after all. We left soon after.

Here's the thing. I said nothing to her and it's bothering me. I really wish I had said something to her about it not being her job to discipline my kids. I discipline my kids. I was so hopping mad on the way home that I probably gave Ozzy Osbourne a run for his money on the use of the f-word. Under my breath of course. When I went to the park that afternoon I got it all off my chest with my friend Michelle and that helped a lot but I hope I see her again. I can see it now - she'll be in my local supermarket looking at the humus and this crazy English woman will approach her, swinging a whole-wheat bread stick in her face and giving her a sound telling off. It's a nice little daydream I'm having right now.

Babysitter Conundrum

I read something enlightening recently, written by a woman that was on the verge of divorce. She and her husband had two kids, both had careers, and they had busy and full lives and had got to the point of barely talking to one another - being snippy at best. Tolerating the situation I suppose. Anyway, she instigated counseling and they brought it back together.

Now, me and Craig are one hundred miles from that scenario I hope, BUT we have been married for 15 years and we have two kids and we have no babysitter, so we are clinically depressed having no fun. We do have child-care (Miss Linda) during the day while we work and she's MARVELOUS but we need a babysitter because Craig and I have lost each other a bit. We need to go out and have some fun together and be a couple. In the last five years we have had SIX dates without the kids. I am not kidding. I suppose that's how things are when you have no family to help.

SO - How does one choose a potential serial-killer and child-beater as a babysitter? Because that's what we think they are and that's what we'll be thinking all night long while we are at the movies/restaurant/night club/swingers meet (kidding!). I wish we could trust a local girl. Does anyone we know have a trustworthy local girl or are we doomed to a life of no adult fun for the next 15 years?

Nurture Shock

What a week it's been and it's not even Friday! I do realise that I keep harping on about how busy I am (blah blah blah) and I know everybody is busy these days so I'll just shut up. But I REALLY am stretched at the minute, honest. The dust bunnies, infestations of ants and half-painted walls in my house will attest to that very fact. "So get off your arse and go look after those things" you are thinking. But no I will not. Blogging and spending mindless minutes on Facebook helps me relax.

Talking of mindless stuff, Jack's pre-school teacher Mrs M (who does not own a television and reminds me of the fact every week) gave me a 1994 newspaper article to read on the evil that is Power Rangers and then tried to engage me in a "let's try and get him interested in a more docile activity" conversation. The fact that she is so nuts that she had kept this bit of newspaper since 1994 should have been a good reason not to read it but of course I did. Mmmmm. Still not getting it Mrs M.

Here's why the Power rangers (according to said paper) are supposedly bad for kids: they promote violence, they don't actually tell a good story, and kids become obsessed with them. Result = teachers don't know how to manage it.

Here's what I think: It has magnified Jack's imagination and he will spend hours play-acting on his own and with Danny, he never hurts anybody, it's the good guy versus the bad and he wants to be the good - and who hasn't played cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians?, and yes, he's obsessed with them right now but it's cute and funny and he loves it, so really - where is the harm in this?

I met several mums last night at the park that have just read "Nurture Shock" and they urged me to read it so I have booked it at the library and will do just that. According to this book, the Power Rangers are the good ones. Phew. Maybe I'm not a hideous parent. Oh, but then apparently Spongebob is bad for kids. All that sarcasm and rudeness (and fun - lets be honest here). Maybe Craig and I can still watch him when the boys are in bed? Kidding of course. Anyway, I have been reading reviews about it and can't wait to read this book.

My boys will hopefully love books as much as me and they will be well-rounded, outdoor boys that do not act like couch-potatoes. But the telly STAYS.

Latchkey Rant then Gardening!

Another week flown by! Now that I'm teaching 4 days/week and trying to get DIY projects and gardening done, the weeks just don't have enough days in them.

I did manage to finish my book "Romancing Miss Bronte" by Juliet Gael and really enjoyed it, but then I'm a big Bronte fan. I've now moved on to The Brave by Nicholas Evans, who wrote The Horse Whisperer and I'm already stuck into it. He has a great way of making you fall in love with the characters immediately. Jack's doing a fairly good job of recognizing letters now and he reads to us at bedtime (from memory, not from reading the words, but still..)

Jack started soccer games again this week and he has music class on Fridays nights. I have resisted all attempts to sign him up for t-ball, football or any other kind of organized thing, firstly because I don't want him to be over-scheduled as so many kids are, and second because I'd rather watch paint dry than watch t-ball! Terrible aren't I.

Warning! Rant coming: In early May we have to take Jack to be assessed by the "English as a Second Language" department at the local school district before I can enroll him in school. Regardless of the fact that he's American with English parents that's the rule. Ironically, the lady who rang to make the appointment could hardly string a sentence together. Just one more hoop to jump through in the circus that is enrolling your kids for school and latchkey. Latchkey is an after-school program for working parents so that the kids can stay afterwards until 6pm (5pm in our case). The school where Jack is going does not have a latchkey program so I want to sign him up for latchkey (3-5pm) at a local school that does. Because this local school is less than 2 miles away from his school, they won't take him on the bus. They want to bus him miles away to another school in a rough part of town. Nice. They also will not let me register him to enroll full-time at the latchkey school because he is not in that district (by just one block). The secretaries at both schools say that they do bus between them and not to worry, but the official Latchkey department is telling me that they won't. I'm so confused and frustrated by the whole thing. May 9th is the day I have to sign up for latchkey but I can't do any of that until after they make sure he can speak English. Grrrrr...

And on to more lighthearted things.

We watched a fabulous film last night. Very entertaining & highly recommended (even by Craig who generally likes blood and guts) ...

And it's going to be EIGHTY degrees today so I am now going to get my morning coffee and get outside again. I'm itching to get my garden straight and get the lawn mowed for the first time this year. I love spring!