Reasons to be Cheerful

It's time to stop being a maunjy-face. Not that I'm depressed ( I have never been and never will be thank God), but I've been a miserable SOB since I got back from England and then lost Eric. I read last night's blog post and thought "there's no way that was even from me"!
No doubt about it I'm still grieving, still unbearably sad, but I'm going to post some more up-beat stuff for myself, my family and for my future self reading, shaking her head about what a miserable git I've been!

So here's 10 Reasons to be cheerful right now:

1. Me, Craig and the boys are all okay. My mum, my family in England are too. After Eric went so suddenly I've been a little paranoid & scared about health issues.

2. Leanne passed her Level 3 hairdressing and is coming next summer. I miss her. She's a lovely girl and, well just nice all round. Her boyfriend Dean is too. I can't wait to do road trips with them.

3. Erika. Since I got back from England she's been my rock. The word "rock" sounds cheesy but actually that's what she's been.

4. My ex-pat friends, Maureen & Lynn, have been my day-to-day buddies. We've all been there for each other recently.

5. Dennis has booked his flights to spend Christmas with us. I will either laugh or drink myself to death. Maybe both. I LOVE this man.

6. My boys crack me up. Still young enough to love their Mum & be sweet, though Jack's on the verge of tween hood.

Getting the "MVP" treatment at the salon

7. We got to spend time with Dave last night. He's the polar opposite from me in personality so I worry that I'll scare him off. But for right now, I'm just glad I got to spend time with him.

8. I get to go back to England in November. I'm going to a conference for 5 days but I'll get to see my family too.

9. The Renaissance Festival was amazing and very funny. Even in my sour mood I laughed just about all day.

10.  We are talking about Craig and the boys joining me when I go back to England for work in spring 2016

Lost my Mojo

I was thinking today that my blog has got quite maudlin since Eric died. I thought it was time to get things HAPPY. No one wants to be sad do they?
I've been doing things like soccer, Renaissance Festival, walking with friends, drinking with friends, work (obviously), Scouts, PTA. But my humour has gone.
Where has my humour gone? My belly laughs? My roar?
It's gone with Eric. Hopefully not permanently. But it's gone for right now.

I'm Lucky

I tell you what, I'm lucky.

Since I got back from England, feeling so homesick and then losing Eric, I've had so many friends reach out publicly and privately to send their love. I'm still getting messages from friends just about every day. It makes me feel so loved and also so humble and undeserving. It's got so bad I feel bad, if that makes sense. We British do not do well with compliments. Would rather just plough on.

Life without Eric is a bit duller of course as it always will be. I still get moments where I forget, and then I remember, and I get a punch to the belly and sometimes double over with it.  Not in a "oh look at me, I'm traumatised" way,  just quietly because it feels like someone just gave me a light blow to the stomach.  I thought the pain would be in my heart, but it's in my stomach.

Thankfully I have friends here and my PTA ladies & Erika and Craig and the boys. And in England my family & friends too.

That's why I feel so lucky. I hope Eric's other friends and family have this support too.

Being a Good Friend (not a blurter)

I have a tendency to talk too much, especially when I'm nervous. I can be a bit of a blurter too if I'm not careful. And I'm type A too, so a bit of a handful. Since Eric was type A we fit together well.

Eric's partner Dave is like Craig, fairly quiet and private and definitely not type A, so I've been mulling over and soul searching about how I can be a good friend to him now that Eric's gone. He probably won't want to partake in my 3am Elton John shenanigans, put it that way. I'm crap at cooking so food probably isn't the answer. I know he likes classic cars but I could write down on a match box what I know about that. Most importantly, I don't want to be too pushy and push him away from me. I also don't want to dwell on sadness, but make new memories with him.

As I was rolling all this around in my head this week I got a text message from my friend Rachel who shared this article with me. It's like she read me mind! This is just what I needed. It will guide me as I move forward with those who are in the smaller circle: namely Dave, Eric's mum and siblings. It is such a great article I think everyone should read it.

"How not to say the wrong thing" by Susan Silk & Barry Goldman, LA Times.

Missing Eric

I know that it's been a week since Eric died and there's big news of Syrian refugees and other world news, but my heart & my thoughts are still with him.  And I'm still randomly crying.

On Thursday night last week, our friends Char & Jan from California flew in (who have been friends with Eric for 30 years and who introduced us) and stayed with us. On Friday night we all went to a gathering at Eric & Dave's house with his mum, his sibling & friends. His mum, sisters and brother are such lovely people. The evening was lovely yet awful. I will post about this later, can't do it now.

Eric's funeral on Saturday was such a loving event. About 200 family and friends were there and they had also sent flowers, so the funeral home was packed with messages from people who loved him.  I can't write about it yet but I might later. After the official ceremony people stood and told funny stories which also included me and him, but I can't do that either.

Well it's pretty obvious that I can't write about things quite yet, but  I will.

This morning, after Craig had gone to work at 7am I had a very vivid dream of Eric then woke with a start. I sat up, heart beating hard, and remembered that we texted each other while I was in England. I jumped up and got my phone and lay in bed and read our texts and his last one to me on August 14th said "XXOO to all".   I cried so hard,  good grief I miss him.

Lastly my friend posted her summer 1-second-a-day video that includes a couple of clips of Eric & I. It hurts to watch it, but it's also so good to see him.

Losing Eric

My friend Eric died on Tuesday at 1.30pm. He collapsed at work (aneurysm maybe) and died instantly. His friend Donny found him in his office and he told me that he tried CPR but it was too late. I can't imagine how Donny's coping.

Eric was only 51 and had the heart and soul of a very young man. He loved life, laughed all the time and loved to be around people. I'm so lucky to have known him for 15 years and to have spent the last 10 living around the corner from him. It meant that we could hang out a lot. This usually involved drinking of course, which usually led to dancing in my front room at 3am to Elton John, or jumping on the trampoline, or some other such nonsense. We were totally bad for each other but loved each other immensely.  One of my favourite things we did each year was to spend Christmas Eve together. His partner Dave would spend that night with his family in Kentucky so Eric would come here and celebrate with us and watch the Santa tracker with the boys. He loved the boys and showered them with gifts. Christmas Eve this year will be rough to say the least.

I have so many memories of him tied into my house. He celebrated citizenship with us, he had pictures made of the boys that hang on my walls, he gave me interior design advice, and he loved playing with Ben and the cats.  He especially loved my new porch and we spent hours on there this year, him puffing away on his Marlboro and drinking Makers Mark, while I drank wine and belly laughed into the night.

He also loved all my friends, and they him, so there's a wide wide circle of people who were devastated by his loss. Of course his partner Dave is barely coping right now. I'm very lucky that many of our friends have gathered around to comfort each other. Jan and Char have flown in from California, Richard & Stephen from Arizona. I've already spent time with Debbie & Lyn and Donny and Dave. Having us all together has been a huge blessing.

For my part I spent Tuesday night and all day yesterday in tears. I couldn't face work and just couldn't stop crying all damn day. It is so unfair that this man, this absolute rock star of a human being, should have left this earth. RIP my friend. This world is a little less bright & fun.

Dave, Eric, me & Craig

Here or There

Normally a weekend like this would have been fabulous but I'm still too ill and too homesick to function. My cold is awful and I'm weary to my bones, but I'm putting off a docs appointment because they'll just tell me to ride it out and drink fluids.

And I'm sooooooo homesick. An FBI search of my Internet history would reveal things like"expats moving home" and "jobs in England". And when Zillow emailed me today with an increase of my house price I was happy and sat, in my living room, planning my tag sale*. Moving back to England? Scares the SHIT out of me. But then I'm not a shrinking violet am I?

Porch time with Erika is always a favourite time. She ate cockles, bless her 

Jack went to his friend's birthday camp-over but asked to come home at 1am, so his friend's dad brought him.
We love these friends and are grateful that they totally understood when he just wanted to come home. 

Last night we started watching "Fear the walking dead" and in walks .....

Pool time today with my mate Lyn and her grandsons.

*Ignoring the excitement of going home, to consider:

Find 2 fantastically paying jobs (this is the BIG challenge)

Sell contents of a house (keep how much & send?)

Sell a house and 2 cars, then buy a house and 2 cars (also another challenge. My house in Ohio is worth $230k, but my house in England would be worth 500 thousand pounds). 

Send 2 cats and a dog. Not as easy as that sounds. 

Call & organize things with the IRS, pensions, social security, banks and insurance homeland security/customs on both sides of the Atlantic.

Leave the school district, organize new schools (and buy uniforms!)

The taxes alone, I believe,  would be a nightmare. As American citizens Craig and I are bound to pay USA taxes and file our taxes each year.

I'm not too worried about being welcomed to England as far as "free" stuff (housing, welfare etc.) since I'd never go back and expect free stuff. I haven't paid tax in 16 years so absolutely do not expect a free ride. But I hope we have health care if we need it, since both Craig and I have paid into it & still have out NI cards.

I need to go to bed because this might all be a pipe dream.  But usually, when a seed gets planted, I make it grow. 

England Movie

England 2015 from Pam on Vimeo.

Some Insight on our England Visit

I feel like I should add a bit more detail to my whopper picture post, when I was high on cold medicine and jet lagged.

Leading up to the visit we both remarked how we felt like tourists this time, probably because it had been 7 yrs for me and 8 for Craig since our last visit. I was worried about driving on the left and thought there would be loads of changes since I left. I had visions of car crashes and being attacked by mobs of drunk teenagers. Silly really, because after a few days I settled right back in, like putting on an old favourite shoe, and by the time we left I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

I loved driving in England because it's a challenge but it's also the most courteous place on earth. The roads are narrow and everyone is zipping around in little Peugeots, Fiats and Minis. Everyone swirls around roundabouts, which are everywhere and sometimes even in clusters of 3 or 4. On the first day I actually went round one 3 times, Griswold style, because I had no idea what exit to take (my kids laughed at me till I turned into satan). In many places the roads are only 1-car wide and you can park facing both directions and even half-way up the pavement (sidewalk) because, well there just isn't a lot of room unless you do. You have to be really careful about speeding as there's cameras everywhere and even mobile police units. Also there's no eating, drinking or phone use while driving, so no cup-holders, which is a lot more annoying than it sounds. All this sounds so stressful doesn't it, but it isn't because other drivers are so damn nice. They let you in, they wave you on, they flash their lights "thank you", and they actually smile and wave at you. I think it's so polite because it's so incredibly bonkers.

To give some explanation of where we went, our main base was at my mum's house in Southport on the north-west coast of England, which is a seaside town with a funfair, arcades, water park and beach. Kid heaven in other words. We didn't stray too far from that area until we went to the east coast to Whitby for a few days in the 2nd week. Leanne lives and works in The Lake District. My family is spread over Southport, Manchester and Chorley. Craig's family are in Warrington. I tried to put all this on the picture below but it's a bit small.......

World - United Kingdom - Northern England. Red stars show where we were.

One of the things I love about England is the humour. My favorite story from this time was from a friend, Ronnie. She told me she'd had her gall bladder removed and a couple of years later her younger sister rang to tell her that she needed hers removed too. Ronnie told her "For God's sake, can't I do anything on my own!"When she recanted this to me we both laughed so hard we nearly fell off our bar stools. Other things I miss are more obvious - the red post boxes & phone boxes, hedges and stone walls crammed with flowers, in fact flowers everywhere, quaint pubs, little corner shops, paying for petrol after you've filled up (how trusting!), and the constant smell of sea air.

Things I can do without? Well we had a horrible time getting our credit cards to work anywhere as we don't have chip and pin, there was a lack of wifi, and of course the double taps. What nonsense those damn taps are! One hand's freezing, the other burnt, and you try your best to wave your hands frantically between them as you rinse your hands.

Damn taps

Most importantly, I loved seeing my family and also seeing my boys enjoy time with their cousins and 2nd cousins. They both told me several times they want to live in England with their family. And of course there's Leanne to think about now and the fact that we can't spend time with her like we should.

Saying goodbye to my mum, sister, niece & great niece before we left just about killed me and I cried most of the way to the airport. I'm still glum today. I keep thinking about that quote I saw online about people on their deathbeds looking back at their life and their only regrets are that they didn't spend enough time with people, with no thought to material things. Of course our lives in the USA are amazing and not based purely on "things" because we both have friends that we consider family and we love our jobs. But thinking of my family in England makes my heart ache and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't daydreaming about going home one day.

England Visit Part 1: Journey & Arrival

On Friday we drove to Toronto Airport, rather than flying from Columbus. It saved us nearly $3,000 and it was a direct flight - score! When we arrived in Southport it was sunny and warm. Of the 14 days we were there it only rained on 2 days, so we were really lucky.
I'm going to do this post in SEVEN parts with captions, since there's so many pictures and I'm currently jet lagged. And who wants to read long-winded stories anyway.  It was a fabulous 2 weeks and I'm beyond sad to be home in Ohio. Saying goodbye to our family was really hard for us all, kids included.
 But anyway, here's lots of pictures of our visit.....

And we're off!

10pm  - Poor boy had leg cramps and only slept for 2 hours

Overnight flights don't mean lots of sleep unfortunately 

8am - First glimpse of England! We were all so excited.

Grandad Tom met us at the airport

A surprise welcome from cousin Luke too!

Arrived safe at my mum & Tom's house in Southport. They had made all our rooms so welcoming and bought us all kinds of goodies - including huge teddy bears! They also gave us a car for 2 weeks, which was amazing. 

England Part 2: Family Reunion & My Mate Mo

First day - After a quick cup of tea with my mum we were off to Warrington for Craig's family reunion. This meant I had to drive on the other side of the road, which was hairy to say the least. The roads are narrow, people drive fast and there are roundabouts galore. I found it hard to gauge how close I was to the left curb and I had Craig give me constant reminders about speed limits and not to pull out into oncoming traffic. I had even forgotten what "Give Way" meant and what the national speed limit was - oh my! Thankfully, British drivers are the best and very courteous, so it wasn't so bad.

Danny, Craig's mum, niece Jenna, NIL Neil, great niece Elsa, and dad

First pint! (he hated it and didn't drink it, but it scored him some browny points back in the USA)

Craig's Family. Back row L-R: Great nephew Sammy, NIL Neil, sister Sandra, nephew Lee, great niece Evelynn, BIL Ian, Craig, me, great niece Isla, NIL James, niece Natalie, Luke's GF Shell, sister Janice, BIL Andy.
Front row L-R: Dad, mum, great niece Elsa, niece Jenna, great nephew Oliver, Jack, Danny & Luke

Back to Southport by sunset so we could show boys the beach

What a packed first day Saturday was!

Sunday morning we got up early and went to meet Maureen and her daughter Erin at the train station. Mo is my mate in Ohio and was visiting England at the same time so we hooked up.

Selfie! Erin, Mo, my mum, Craig & me. BLTs and tea for breakfast!

It's the little things you miss

A quick mooch around Wayfayres Arcade & the shops in Southport

Hot made-to-order donuts!

Queen Victoria on the beach promenade

On the pier

At noon we met Leanne at the train Station too. Such a poignant and happy moment for these two. 

After settling Leanne in at my mums we were off to Chorley to meet with my dad, step-mum,  sister and nieces and nephews. We had another lovely family meal and the kids got along instantly.

Danny, Jack, AJ, Dennon & Summer

Jack & AJ were instant best friends

My family, back row L-R: me, niece Gemma, NIL Anthony, niece Abby, BIL Kev, step-mum Sheila, Leanne, Craig, sister Jen, and dad.
Front Row L-R: great nephew AJ, Jack, great niece Summer, Danny, great niece Dennon.

My sister Jen and the kids

That night we slept at my dad's and then headed back to Southport Monday lunchtime.