Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Eve Build-up

I have been building myself up for Christmas Eve since the day Eric died in September. Like most things you dread I'm hoping the lead up to it is a lot worse than the actual event.

I've never been one to suppress my emotions, which I think helps at a time like this, because it's not yet 8.30am and I've already had two friends reach out to say they know today will be hard for me and that they send love.  Being an open book person has also enabled me to talk a lot about his death and to try to analyze and work myself out of the grief that sometimes bogs me down.

Analyzing it all has definitely been cathartic, but has also made me think about stupid things in relation to today.  Such as, I'd like to post a picture of him on Facebook to say I miss him and to honor what a great man he was, but I'm worried I'll upset his family. Or would they want him to be remembered? His Facebook page is still open and people post to it. How does that make his mum feel? Comforted or tortured? And why have I obsessed over this for weeks? Does that make me an attention seeker, or someone who wants the world to keep remembering him?

Another thing I think about is how I'll handle tonight, since we had a routine for the last couple of years. We'd go to the local church nativity play then he'd track Santa's progress on the computer with the kids and give gifts and we'd have such a good laugh. This year we are taking the kids to see Star Wars then Erika is coming over to do a toast to Eric with me. I don't want to turn into a blubbering mess, so I'm a bit worried about holding it all together and enjoying the night with my kids. I suppose that's called being a parent - putting it aside to make sure your kids have happy memories.

Part 2 posting on Christmas Eve to come, but in the meantime here's to Eric. My 2015 Person of The Year.

Christmas Eve 2014

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