At Eric's funeral everyone kept talking about his big heart. He did have a huge one and I've convinced myself that's why he died. He just gave too much of himself and partied too hard with reprobates like me.  He loved everyone, was kind to everyone.  As his sister Peggy said "it's a shame for people who didn't know him, because they missed out".

Scrolling through his Facebook page today I saw posts where he'd say something pro-Obama or pro-Democrat and he'd have a friend come on there who was a conservative who'd argue with him and then he'd make it funny, then diffuse the situation, and they'd end up professing love for one another.  He was that kind of person. Far better than I could ever hope to be.

I want to be kind and funny, but I'm struggling a bit with that to be honest recently. I'm feeling curmudgeony.  Really curmudgeony. I have also forgotten important birthdays, not got together with dearest friends in England when I had the chance (I was sick though), and not been there for friends in need. I feel like such a terrible daughter & friend right now. And don't get me started on how crap I feel as a parent. Tonight was a particular gem of screaming & crying.

I can't be the only person feeling totally inadequate can I?  How do other women juggle being a family member, friend, work colleague, teacher, wife, mum?  How come people send me parcels on time? Call to wish me Happy Birthday? Get their kid's homework in on time and I can't?

I work outside of the home, that's why. If I spent all day at home I'd remember to buy gifts, wrap gifts, call people. I'd also be in a situation to make International calls. But I'm not. I'm out of the house all day long and when I get home at night or weekends I have to do all the housework and bills and house projects that's backed up. It's HARD.

So I want to be more like Eric (though he did love to be bitchy - he wasn't a saint!) but how to get there? How do I feel love and not be a big curmudgeon? I seriously DON'T KNOW. My humour has left the building.


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